It was with my friend LK and with RS. RS was standing in someplace, I was lonely, and I gave a hug to her, from the back. L told me to tone it down, and then asked me to to talk to him later. He then reminded me that I never manage to keep loyal to any girlfriend I had. It was sad to hear, but he was right. Also, it was good to hug RS. I hugged her from the back, and the warmth of her body made me happy.

Today I thought about love, what it means, what it meant. How it was. I feel like I can’t love, not only people, but cannot have passion for things anymore, either. It’s… just gone. I feel like I killed it, the passion, in London.

I had a dream of my funeral, I think. I had dream before the dream, where I was watching myself as I drove away on a road when the snow just started falling, and I was afraid for myself, thinking of driving too fast and slipping. Next dream was me flying over Australia, in a bed. A truck below was trying to cross a ridge, it managed half-way, while I was shouting down to turn back, but they didn’t hear it, so they almost got stuck on another ridge, but got over that one too. Finally they arrived to some place, and my bed also landed there. I seemed to have been invited. As I was walking down the stairs, someone jokingly said that I am a bit of clown, as I was happily jumping around, and I turned around, walking/jumping backwards, looking straight at Amber and said: “there are some things that never change” — referring to my love for her. Next cut is me in the grass, hugging my two half-cousins, and then wanting to drink their wine, but they were weary of the latter, due to Corona, I guess. And that was it, I woke up.

Why did you send me flowers? What’s the point if you don’t love me?

But you walked out anyway, H. I wish you thought of me like you did of Tobi. Someone to live a life with. Someone to wake up with every day. Someone to cry with, someone to laugh with. Someone who will be there, forever. I wish I knew why.

I’m constantly anxious, afraid, I wonder if it’s just old habit or something else is going on. I know I will lose H, perhaps that’s what’s bugging me. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s so good with her, but also I know it’s not meant to last. I wonder if she is denying herself to feel good. At the same time I feel like I am arriving. It’s weird. Strange times. Pandemic is coming back, I wonder what will happen.

It was a strange time. Me feeling sick, her about to leave to Argentina. It’s the first time in many, too many, years that I told someone I loved them, and she told me she loves me too. It’s… hard to describe, too much, to explain what this means. It just feels so right. I do love her. It’s so beautiful passing time with her. She makes me so happy. And I see how I make her happy.

I have a cat now for a short while and for a moment I thought… perhaps I’m back where I was, happy, again.

Today I woke up with a dream of being told to pack my stuff and leave A. We were in my parent’s old apartment, she was in one room, her boyfriend was watching TV in the living room, and I was told to pack my stuff from another room. It was devastating. All the feelings of her telling me it’s over came back to me, I was afraid and on the cusp of crying. Suddenly I felt alone, stranded with all these feelings of deep love, rejected. Now, that I woke up from the dream, I feel the same — afraid, alone, stranded, having lost the one I love. It’s been so many years, almost 4 years, in fact. But it still haunts me. Day after night after day. I miss you so much, A.

ahogy minduntalan elhatározom hogy más leszek
nem tudom milyen más
csak nem ilyen
de már tudom hogy
nem leszek más

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

By Christina Rossetti

I read her initials in the book she gave me and I wonder. Why me? What was so interesting about me 3 years ago at that conference that she remembered? I was in the lowest of the lows back then. I remember talking with her, and I found her inspiring and I wished I could date her but I was sure she wasn’t interested. I have to say, she made me realize that maybe there is some value in here, that maybe there is a point to all of this. I remember talking with her, about her work and I even mentioned how I’d like her advice, but then I got afraid and left. It was a sad day, as always back then. But I still don’t know why me and now I feel like an impostor. I’ll go with it, but it feels strange. I’ll see. It will be good to spend time with you, R.