You are on vacation, having fun with someone else, and I feel alone. I feel left out, while you spend a week with someone, while you spend only 4 days with me. I don’t know, it’s hard, to know that you have all that time for others, but so little for me. Maybe I’m just jealous of you having so much fun, while I’m not having so much fun at all. I am also thinking that I’m trying to make sure every minute you’ll be here I’ll be good an healthy so I can be with you for sure, while you are risking going around and doing all those things. At the same time, it could just be my jealousy talking. I don’t know. I had trouble sleeping two nights ago, I had all these thoughts of you being far and away and having fun and being with others, while you spend so little time with me. I miss you, and I want more of you, more of your time, more of you being with me, here, physically, next to me. I have your photo on my desk, smiling at me, this is the first time I’ve done this, ever, of putting someone in a frame, looking at me, that I am with. It’s difficult. I miss you, and I want you, but you are not here, you are elsewhere, and you spend a lot of time with others. I feel inadequate. You know, sometimes, I didn’t spend time with people, because they were having so much fun, that it made me feel like crap, that I’m just being boring, and I wish I was doing what they are doing. I don’t know how to feel. It’s hard. Some moments, I know that I want to spend my life with you. Other moments, you remind me that you are with someone else, and are spending more time with them than you are spending with me. This duality is hard to swallow. It’s difficult to live with. I sometimes feel like an also-ran, a backup plan, some kind of escape hatch. I wonder if I choose this deliberately. Does this arrangement make me happy? I am not sure. Sometimes, I wake up, and it’s the best day ever. And sometimes, you write me something, and it reminds me that you are with someone else, spending more time with them than you are with me, and I feel sad, and lonely, and some kind of second option. I’ll have to think about this. It’s hard to swallow. It really is. Some moments, I wanna tell you I love you, and other moments, I wish you didn’t tell me you are in the arms of someone else, that you are spending, and will be spending, more time with, than with me. I wonder if this will change with time. I wonder if I want to live like this. I also wonder whether I want to live at all, but that’s another bag of worms. I just need to be careful, because one can of worms can open the other, and… I’m not sure I have anyone around to keep me here.
Post Scriptum. Maybe all I’m supposed to get of you is a part. Maybe I’m not supposed to get you all. Maybe nobody ever could, or would. Maybe it’s just what I get to have. I don’t know if I want to live with that. It’s hard, and it makes me sad. It’s the feeling I feel when someone leaves me. It’s… hard. I don’t know what the solution is. So many feelings, so little space to express them. I wanna tell you about these when you are here, but you will only be here 3-4 days. And I don’t want to ruin it by talking about all this. I feel trapped. I miss you. I miss you dearly.